dad unmasked

I never thought I would be a single dad at the age of 42. When I got married in my early 30’s, I couldn’t imagine that almost 10 years later, I would be single again and  “starting over.” I also never thought it would take me almost 2 years to come to grips with my new life… to snap out of it.

After a little more than 2 years of sadness and stress, I finally realized that I was depressed, severely depressed. Even when I started this blog 2 years ago, I was in denial of the changes that were rapidly taking place in my life. At first it was hard to admit or even realize, that I had a problem that I just couldn’t shake. I think as a man, it was even harder to admit that I was depressed because it was very easy to hide. I needed to be that strong dad for my kids. Yeah, I still laughed, made jokes etc, but deep down and behind the smiles, I was an insecure, crying desperate man that had no idea on how to cope with a new lifestyle. I just refused to realize that I no longer had a family. The life that I lived for 10+ years was no longer there. Even my friends and family were “over” my situation. I guess they figured that, “hey dude, it’s been 2 years, get over it.” But then again, these are my “happily married” friends that have NO IDEA about the pain I was dealing with. Part of me knew that this was the new reality, but for some reason, I couldn’t shake it. I no longer liked to the things that I enjoyed. Fishing, reading comics, playing poker… I had no interest whatsoever. Back in 2009, I went to my family doctor and told her what was going on and all she said was eat right and get more exercise. Well, I did that and my mind remained in a fog.

I tried several things to try and hide what was really going on with me and hide my depression, I went out and bought a motorcycle, labeling it as a midlife crisis. It was not a mid life crisis, it was one of my several lame attempts to fill something that was missing in my life. I also quit smoking. Even though I knew I was improving my health, quitting was like losing a friend. It sucked. Yet another wound that was slow healing. I joined a gym again and got my body back in shape. I felt better physically, but my mind still felt “off.” At that time, I didn’t even attempt to date because I knew at some point the conversation would turn to my own personal “doom and gloom.” I wasn’t ready for that.

The 2010 holidays were especially difficult. All I wanted to do was sleep. SLEEP. SLEEP. SLEEP. I’d drag myself out of bed everyday and just slump through the day. Dealing with my kids was a challenge too. I could tell I was not that fun daddy that liked to play and joke around with my kids. I felt so inadequate and helpless for days and months on end. My house was falling apart and even though I was working full time again, money was still a struggle. Right before Thanksgiving, some personal possessions were stolen from me. This sent me deeper and deeper into feeling hopeless and helpless. I was also drinking a bit more that I should have been.

My claim to be a Dad Unmasked was clearly a farce. I was hiding BEHIND a mask, cowering in my own shame of being a failed husband, a failure at life. I was a walking zombie. At times, I’d break down and start crying for no reason. Yes, I was a grown man, sobbing like a little girl, and I had no idea why. I knew something was really wrong so I finally sought professional help. I met with a therapist 2 times within a month and I was starting to feel a bit better about myself. Then I got the news that my father passed away from heart failure. I won’t go into any more detail on my relationship with my father. I’ve already blogged about that. His death affected my sister a lot more that me, but there was still some unfinished business I thought I had with my dad. Before his death, he would call and text me almost daily on how miserable his life was in Jamaica. My dad died in Jamaica in January of this year. My sister and I traveled there to retrieve his ashes. This was my chance to see how bad my dad really had it down there. It was my first time visiting and I was able to see where he was living for the past 3 years. I also got to see where he was born and speak with people that knew him. It turned out, he was living fairly well and he had people around him that helped him. My dad was very different from most dads and though we had our issues, he was still my dad. Well, he is back home now and hopefully at peace.

After the trip to Jamaica and my dad’s memorial service, something clicked. I just woke up one day feeling like a new person. I didn’t feel stressed, angry, lonely or anxious. I had those terrible feelings for so long that it felt strange that I was NOT feeling that way  anymore. It’s like the weight of the world was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I felt strong again. I felt alive again. I’m not sure want happened. Maybe my body and mind were just tired of being sick and tired. I don’t know, but whatever happened, I’m glad that it did. It’s been about 1.5 months since the “weight” has been lifted and I feel great. I feel like me again.

I’m back. There is no denying who I am anymore and I am just fine with it. I am a single dad, a geek and a wannabe superhero.  AND I believe I can fly… again.