dad unmasked

So I guess I’m back “on the market” because I have truly moved on from my previous marriage and I believe I am ready to pursue a relationship with another woman. I am not looking to get married again, but female companionship would be pretty cool right about now. I have to admit though, I despise dating. I never liked it even when I was younger and before I was married. Here are the top 5 reasons why I dislike dating…especially in the 21st century.

5. Getting to Know You.  I dislike the “getting to know you” phase. I am no longer a mysterious man. I went through the wanna-Prince phase in high school. I will let a woman know who I am on the first date. I have nothing to hide. OK. Maybe a few gray hairs here and there but I’m also not saying a lady needs to show me everything on the first date either. I have a good imagination. I’ll figure out what she’s hiding. I know what shapewear is now.

4. Cliche Dating Profiles. Walks on the beach? Reading a good book by candlelight? Gazing into your dates eyes? Please. No one does that and it’s usually found out quite quickly on the 1st phone call.

3. Smoke and Mirrors (aka Online Pics): a visual misrepresentation of what you look like. I know…I know. It’s not on the outside it’s what on the inside…blah, blah blah. Let’s be real here. Men are visual creatures. There is no denying that. We all, including myself, have our own self perceived notions of what we think we look like to others. In my mind, I feel like I’m 6′3″, 210 lbs, muscular with a full head of hair. In reality, I’m 5′ 6″ tall, 43 year old man with a thin, semi muscular body and a balding head. (But I ‘m a wannabe superhero so it’s OK to think this so there’s that). Now, why in the hell would I set anyone up , especially a potential future companion, to believe I am something else? My point is, I dislike lying, dishonesty or misperception, unintentional or not. There are too many people out there in the “dating pool” being deceiving.

2. My Kids: My daughters are my world and I have to…no, I must lead by example. I refuse to have a revolving door of relationships with random women and subject my kids to that. I want my kids to know that relationships between 2 people can be healthy and monagamous. My kids have dealt with the breakup of their mom and dad and I don’t want them to have to deal with it again. At least not during their childhood. I don’t want to see a different woman every other week. Wait. That’s why I got married… Anyway…

1. Me and My Ways: Please see #5. I am the most honest person anyone would ever know. I’m 43 years old and pretty set in my ways. I like beer, fishing and comic books. I like to laugh and tell jokes. I’m silly yet responsible. I have 2 beautiful girls and do not want anymore kids even though I think kids are awesome. I want to be one again. Sometimes. There isn’t much of me that is going to change. However, I think I am an awesome dude that can rock a special lady’s world again someday.

I am DadUmasked, I am a grown man (believe it or not) and I approve this blog post.

Peace and hyperspace.

…in no particular order.

1. My 2 daughters. They keep me in check and give me a reason to keep on going when life starts kicking my ass. They are my kryptonite.
2. My job. I am very fortunate to even have one again after being laid off.
3. My close friends that are there for me.
4. My family for being non-judgemental of me over the years.
5. Apple. My entire career has been inspired and shaped by this incredible company for the past 17 years.
6. My Mom for being able to maintain a good balance of being my parent and good friend.
7. My health thus far. So far good so good. Well according to my doc. *turns head and coughs*
8. Feeling free of any anger, hate or guilt that I might have felt over the years.
9. Beer. Because it’s SO good. That’s why.
10. Technology. Without it, you wouldn’t be reading this.

What are you thankful for?

About a month ago, my oldest daughter, S, and I were watching a show on skydiving. I told her that I wanted to skydive one day and she quickly said that she did too. Well, I am pretty sure there are laws against throwing 9 year olds out of planes so I researched indoor skydiving. I found a place in town and told my daughter about it. She was very excited and told me that’s what she wanted to do for her birthday. So we did.

From the time we got to the facility, until the time we left, my daughter could not stop smiling.  After a brief training demo, we suited up and lined up in the flight tube for our first flight. When S was next in line, I asked her if she wanted me to go first. She looked up at me, smiled brightly and shook her head “no.”  At that moment, I felt that I was doing something right. This kid was fearless. She flew like the superhero that I always wanted to be. That day, she was MY superhero with no strings attached.

9 years ago today, my first baby girl was born. It was a day I will never forget. My special message to her is this:

Sweetie,

Not only are you beautiful, intelligent and gifted, you are MY daughter. You mean so much to me and I am so proud that you are here with me.

Happy Birthday and I love you,

Daddy

Since it’s football season and I already have 2 fantasy football teams, I have decided to come with a fantasy dating profile.

I have signed up with a couple of dating sites and after 6 months, no dates. (Cue the violins). I guess I have been out of the dating game for too long, but I just don’t get it. I see some of the things that ladies are looking for and I’m like really? What world is it that they live in? Where is this perfect 6′4″, single, 6 figure making dude they are looking for? Will they find him online? It baffles me on what people are expecting and looking for. It’s like a fantasy world. So, with this, I have developed my own fantasy dating profile. It is based on MY reality. This is why it’s a fantasy profile, because what I’ve seen online is nothing but fantasies. So please read on.

My Self Summary: I’m a 43 year old divorced, single father of 2 awesome girls. I am 5′6″ in height and I am taller than my mom, sister, my kids and most 11 year olds so that’s all that matters to me right now. I am slender and am without a beer gut so far. I’m working on it though. I don’t make six figures. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this. I’d be in Vegas spending that so called “disposable income.” I own a house that is not a mansion but I take care of it and clean it. A lot.

I’m Really Good At: Print and web design. Been doing it for 15 years and some people really like it.  At least the ones that pay me for it. Also good at mowing the lawn and pouring a beer without a foamy head. I can cook really well and can scrub the hell out of a toilet if motivated and appreciated (not while cooking btw). But I’d rather just pick up some chicken wings and some brew and call it an evening. Oh, I KILL at Tekken and Mortal Kombat (the video games, for my older readers. Haha!)

The First Thing People Notice About Me: Probably my bald head. It’s shiny sometimes.

Favorite movies, books, shows, music and food: Movies: Bad Boys 1 and 2 and anything with very little crying and sobbing. Book: EyePad  Show: The Parenthood Music: Electronica, R&B, Dance, Old School Hip Hop Food: Chicken Wings. HOT chicken wings.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: How in the hell did I get here and what the hell is going on…and why is Lil’ Wayne rich??…

I’m looking for: Normalcy. And Bigfoot or Sasquatch. Wait. The hunt for Bigfoot is a totally different topic. I can go there though.

This is my fantasy dating profile and I approve this post. It’s all a fantasy!

Being divorced, I don’t get to see my kids everyday. I struggled with this for a very long time. It’s been over 2 years of being single again and at times, I do have somewhat of a hard time not seeing my kids on a daily basis. It’s gotten better over time, but when I get really bored, I miss them. A lot. They are changing and growing so fast and I feel like I’m missing something if I don’t see them for a few days out of the week. But it could be worse. Some dads only get to see their kids once a week, month or year. I have to endure 3 days. It’s like when they are not with me, it feels like I am no longer a father for a few days. Like it was a part-time gig and the only time I have any influence on their well being is when they are with me.

But then again, I look at it like this, when I am with them, I am their father. When they are not with me, I am still their father. I think about them, worry about them and and love them just as if they were with me everyday. This, to me, sounds like ALL of the time. Full-time. Full-time Dad.

What do you think? Am I a part-time dad?

This journey I’m on, this life I live as a man and a father, has taught me to never say never.

This is why. I never thought…

1. … I’d be a father. Let alone a father to 2 awesome, sweet, beautiful girls.
2. …Being a fathers at times, is extremely difficult. As my kids grow, parenting becomes even more challenging.
3. … I’d be 40 something. WTF is up with that?
4. … I’d be divorced at 40 something. Again, WTF is up with that?
5. … I’d ever be unemployed. I’ve been working since I was 16 years old and never been without a job. I was recently laid off but was able to get another job fairly quickly.
6. … Watch a movie about Justin Bieber with one of my daughters. Refer to #1.

Like the Beav says, Never Say Never.

I never thought I would be a single dad at the age of 42. When I got married in my early 30’s, I couldn’t imagine that almost 10 years later, I would be single again and  “starting over.” I also never thought it would take me almost 2 years to come to grips with my new life… to snap out of it.

After a little more than 2 years of sadness and stress, I finally realized that I was depressed, severely depressed. Even when I started this blog 2 years ago, I was in denial of the changes that were rapidly taking place in my life. At first it was hard to admit or even realize, that I had a problem that I just couldn’t shake. I think as a man, it was even harder to admit that I was depressed because it was very easy to hide. I needed to be that strong dad for my kids. Yeah, I still laughed, made jokes etc, but deep down and behind the smiles, I was an insecure, crying desperate man that had no idea on how to cope with a new lifestyle. I just refused to realize that I no longer had a family. The life that I lived for 10+ years was no longer there. Even my friends and family were “over” my situation. I guess they figured that, “hey dude, it’s been 2 years, get over it.” But then again, these are my “happily married” friends that have NO IDEA about the pain I was dealing with. Part of me knew that this was the new reality, but for some reason, I couldn’t shake it. I no longer liked to the things that I enjoyed. Fishing, reading comics, playing poker… I had no interest whatsoever. Back in 2009, I went to my family doctor and told her what was going on and all she said was eat right and get more exercise. Well, I did that and my mind remained in a fog.

I tried several things to try and hide what was really going on with me and hide my depression, I went out and bought a motorcycle, labeling it as a midlife crisis. It was not a mid life crisis, it was one of my several lame attempts to fill something that was missing in my life. I also quit smoking. Even though I knew I was improving my health, quitting was like losing a friend. It sucked. Yet another wound that was slow healing. I joined a gym again and got my body back in shape. I felt better physically, but my mind still felt “off.” At that time, I didn’t even attempt to date because I knew at some point the conversation would turn to my own personal “doom and gloom.” I wasn’t ready for that.

The 2010 holidays were especially difficult. All I wanted to do was sleep. SLEEP. SLEEP. SLEEP. I’d drag myself out of bed everyday and just slump through the day. Dealing with my kids was a challenge too. I could tell I was not that fun daddy that liked to play and joke around with my kids. I felt so inadequate and helpless for days and months on end. My house was falling apart and even though I was working full time again, money was still a struggle. Right before Thanksgiving, some personal possessions were stolen from me. This sent me deeper and deeper into feeling hopeless and helpless. I was also drinking a bit more that I should have been.

My claim to be a Dad Unmasked was clearly a farce. I was hiding BEHIND a mask, cowering in my own shame of being a failed husband, a failure at life. I was a walking zombie. At times, I’d break down and start crying for no reason. Yes, I was a grown man, sobbing like a little girl, and I had no idea why. I knew something was really wrong so I finally sought professional help. I met with a therapist 2 times within a month and I was starting to feel a bit better about myself. Then I got the news that my father passed away from heart failure. I won’t go into any more detail on my relationship with my father. I’ve already blogged about that. His death affected my sister a lot more that me, but there was still some unfinished business I thought I had with my dad. Before his death, he would call and text me almost daily on how miserable his life was in Jamaica. My dad died in Jamaica in January of this year. My sister and I traveled there to retrieve his ashes. This was my chance to see how bad my dad really had it down there. It was my first time visiting and I was able to see where he was living for the past 3 years. I also got to see where he was born and speak with people that knew him. It turned out, he was living fairly well and he had people around him that helped him. My dad was very different from most dads and though we had our issues, he was still my dad. Well, he is back home now and hopefully at peace.

After the trip to Jamaica and my dad’s memorial service, something clicked. I just woke up one day feeling like a new person. I didn’t feel stressed, angry, lonely or anxious. I had those terrible feelings for so long that it felt strange that I was NOT feeling that way  anymore. It’s like the weight of the world was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I felt strong again. I felt alive again. I’m not sure want happened. Maybe my body and mind were just tired of being sick and tired. I don’t know, but whatever happened, I’m glad that it did. It’s been about 1.5 months since the “weight” has been lifted and I feel great. I feel like me again.

I’m back. There is no denying who I am anymore and I am just fine with it. I am a single dad, a geek and a wannabe superhero.  AND I believe I can fly… again.

10. Drink less. (coffee)

9. Go fishing more often.

8. Make more money.

7. Fix the house.

6. Sky dive.

5. Date a nice lady.

4. Sin in Vegas again.

3. Avoid crazy people. (impossible)

2. Be a Super Dad with a capital S. (Ok, that’s more than 4 words.)

1. Love life.

Happy New Year

S=The 8 year old  N=The 5 year old.

10. S: When is it Christmas again?

9. N: Daddy. Why is your hair turning grey? Are you an old man?

8. S: I don’t want THAT for dinner! I want spaghetti!

7. N: I have to go potty! (This is either when we first get in the truck or at a filthy place like Chuck E. Cheese or the flea market.)

6. S: I don’t want to go to the park! Parks are boring! Everything is boring! (Can’t WAIT for the teen years!)

5. N: Can we get another dog? Ours is old!

4. S: Why do ducks not have teeth? Why does that lady have a blue car? Why do stars shine? Why did the dinosaurs disappear? Why do you like the color green? Why do we burp? Why (insert anything here.) Thank goodness for Google.

3. S: Daddy, it’s 7 o’clock in the morning and it’s Sunday! Why are you still sleeping?

2. N & S: When are we going to get there? Oh my gosh!

1. N & S: Daddy, I’m full with dinner. Can I have dessert?

I’m sure there will be more in 2011.

Happy New Year