dad unmasked

So I guess I’m back “on the market” because I have truly moved on from my previous marriage and I believe I am ready to pursue a relationship with another woman. I am not looking to get married again, but female companionship would be pretty cool right about now. I have to admit though, I despise dating. I never liked it even when I was younger and before I was married. Here are the top 5 reasons why I dislike dating…especially in the 21st century.

5. Getting to Know You.  I dislike the “getting to know you” phase. I am no longer a mysterious man. I went through the wanna-Prince phase in high school. I will let a woman know who I am on the first date. I have nothing to hide. OK. Maybe a few gray hairs here and there but I’m also not saying a lady needs to show me everything on the first date either. I have a good imagination. I’ll figure out what she’s hiding. I know what shapewear is now.

4. Cliche Dating Profiles. Walks on the beach? Reading a good book by candlelight? Gazing into your dates eyes? Please. No one does that and it’s usually found out quite quickly on the 1st phone call.

3. Smoke and Mirrors (aka Online Pics): a visual misrepresentation of what you look like. I know…I know. It’s not on the outside it’s what on the inside…blah, blah blah. Let’s be real here. Men are visual creatures. There is no denying that. We all, including myself, have our own self perceived notions of what we think we look like to others. In my mind, I feel like I’m 6′3″, 210 lbs, muscular with a full head of hair. In reality, I’m 5′ 6″ tall, 43 year old man with a thin, semi muscular body and a balding head. (But I ‘m a wannabe superhero so it’s OK to think this so there’s that). Now, why in the hell would I set anyone up , especially a potential future companion, to believe I am something else? My point is, I dislike lying, dishonesty or misperception, unintentional or not. There are too many people out there in the “dating pool” being deceiving.

2. My Kids: My daughters are my world and I have to…no, I must lead by example. I refuse to have a revolving door of relationships with random women and subject my kids to that. I want my kids to know that relationships between 2 people can be healthy and monagamous. My kids have dealt with the breakup of their mom and dad and I don’t want them to have to deal with it again. At least not during their childhood. I don’t want to see a different woman every other week. Wait. That’s why I got married… Anyway…

1. Me and My Ways: Please see #5. I am the most honest person anyone would ever know. I’m 43 years old and pretty set in my ways. I like beer, fishing and comic books. I like to laugh and tell jokes. I’m silly yet responsible. I have 2 beautiful girls and do not want anymore kids even though I think kids are awesome. I want to be one again. Sometimes. There isn’t much of me that is going to change. However, I think I am an awesome dude that can rock a special lady’s world again someday.

I am DadUmasked, I am a grown man (believe it or not) and I approve this blog post.

Peace and hyperspace.

…in no particular order.

1. My 2 daughters. They keep me in check and give me a reason to keep on going when life starts kicking my ass. They are my kryptonite.
2. My job. I am very fortunate to even have one again after being laid off.
3. My close friends that are there for me.
4. My family for being non-judgemental of me over the years.
5. Apple. My entire career has been inspired and shaped by this incredible company for the past 17 years.
6. My Mom for being able to maintain a good balance of being my parent and good friend.
7. My health thus far. So far good so good. Well according to my doc. *turns head and coughs*
8. Feeling free of any anger, hate or guilt that I might have felt over the years.
9. Beer. Because it’s SO good. That’s why.
10. Technology. Without it, you wouldn’t be reading this.

What are you thankful for?

I never thought I would be a single dad at the age of 42. When I got married in my early 30’s, I couldn’t imagine that almost 10 years later, I would be single again and  “starting over.” I also never thought it would take me almost 2 years to come to grips with my new life… to snap out of it.

After a little more than 2 years of sadness and stress, I finally realized that I was depressed, severely depressed. Even when I started this blog 2 years ago, I was in denial of the changes that were rapidly taking place in my life. At first it was hard to admit or even realize, that I had a problem that I just couldn’t shake. I think as a man, it was even harder to admit that I was depressed because it was very easy to hide. I needed to be that strong dad for my kids. Yeah, I still laughed, made jokes etc, but deep down and behind the smiles, I was an insecure, crying desperate man that had no idea on how to cope with a new lifestyle. I just refused to realize that I no longer had a family. The life that I lived for 10+ years was no longer there. Even my friends and family were “over” my situation. I guess they figured that, “hey dude, it’s been 2 years, get over it.” But then again, these are my “happily married” friends that have NO IDEA about the pain I was dealing with. Part of me knew that this was the new reality, but for some reason, I couldn’t shake it. I no longer liked to the things that I enjoyed. Fishing, reading comics, playing poker… I had no interest whatsoever. Back in 2009, I went to my family doctor and told her what was going on and all she said was eat right and get more exercise. Well, I did that and my mind remained in a fog.

I tried several things to try and hide what was really going on with me and hide my depression, I went out and bought a motorcycle, labeling it as a midlife crisis. It was not a mid life crisis, it was one of my several lame attempts to fill something that was missing in my life. I also quit smoking. Even though I knew I was improving my health, quitting was like losing a friend. It sucked. Yet another wound that was slow healing. I joined a gym again and got my body back in shape. I felt better physically, but my mind still felt “off.” At that time, I didn’t even attempt to date because I knew at some point the conversation would turn to my own personal “doom and gloom.” I wasn’t ready for that.

The 2010 holidays were especially difficult. All I wanted to do was sleep. SLEEP. SLEEP. SLEEP. I’d drag myself out of bed everyday and just slump through the day. Dealing with my kids was a challenge too. I could tell I was not that fun daddy that liked to play and joke around with my kids. I felt so inadequate and helpless for days and months on end. My house was falling apart and even though I was working full time again, money was still a struggle. Right before Thanksgiving, some personal possessions were stolen from me. This sent me deeper and deeper into feeling hopeless and helpless. I was also drinking a bit more that I should have been.

My claim to be a Dad Unmasked was clearly a farce. I was hiding BEHIND a mask, cowering in my own shame of being a failed husband, a failure at life. I was a walking zombie. At times, I’d break down and start crying for no reason. Yes, I was a grown man, sobbing like a little girl, and I had no idea why. I knew something was really wrong so I finally sought professional help. I met with a therapist 2 times within a month and I was starting to feel a bit better about myself. Then I got the news that my father passed away from heart failure. I won’t go into any more detail on my relationship with my father. I’ve already blogged about that. His death affected my sister a lot more that me, but there was still some unfinished business I thought I had with my dad. Before his death, he would call and text me almost daily on how miserable his life was in Jamaica. My dad died in Jamaica in January of this year. My sister and I traveled there to retrieve his ashes. This was my chance to see how bad my dad really had it down there. It was my first time visiting and I was able to see where he was living for the past 3 years. I also got to see where he was born and speak with people that knew him. It turned out, he was living fairly well and he had people around him that helped him. My dad was very different from most dads and though we had our issues, he was still my dad. Well, he is back home now and hopefully at peace.

After the trip to Jamaica and my dad’s memorial service, something clicked. I just woke up one day feeling like a new person. I didn’t feel stressed, angry, lonely or anxious. I had those terrible feelings for so long that it felt strange that I was NOT feeling that way  anymore. It’s like the weight of the world was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I felt strong again. I felt alive again. I’m not sure want happened. Maybe my body and mind were just tired of being sick and tired. I don’t know, but whatever happened, I’m glad that it did. It’s been about 1.5 months since the “weight” has been lifted and I feel great. I feel like me again.

I’m back. There is no denying who I am anymore and I am just fine with it. I am a single dad, a geek and a wannabe superhero.  AND I believe I can fly… again.

10. Drink less. (coffee)

9. Go fishing more often.

8. Make more money.

7. Fix the house.

6. Sky dive.

5. Date a nice lady.

4. Sin in Vegas again.

3. Avoid crazy people. (impossible)

2. Be a Super Dad with a capital S. (Ok, that’s more than 4 words.)

1. Love life.

Happy New Year

The little baby you see here is not a baby anymore.

She is 8 years old today!

I cannot believe my baby girl is 8. She is growing up fast and is so smart and mature. She’s my first baby girl and I love her so much. I am so proud to be the father of such a wonderful girl.

Happy Birthday Sweetie! Daddy loves you.

8 I said!

No, not my job. Tobacco products. In particular, cigars. Oh how I loved smoking my cigars. It was my “thing.” My one escape from the world and it’s relentless pressures. My cigar habits were not the expensive Cuban kind, but the corner store, poor man’s cigars. As not to promote nor advertise, I shall refer to them as the Whack and Wilds. I used to enjoy at least one Whack and Wild a day. But when shit hit the fan last year, I was blazing through 5 a day. I won’t lie like Mr. Bill. I inhaled from time to time. It was awesome as any addicted tobacco user would admit to.

Anyway, I knew of all the health risks…yada yada. But I used other things going on in my life as an excuse to keep smoking Whack and Wild’s. Yes, my kids knew I smoked Whack and Wild’s and they hated it. I would sit on the patio and make them stay in the house. I did not like doing that but I did not want them exposed to the smoke.

So what made me stop the Whack and Wild’s? First and foremost, me. I want to be a better me. Secondly, my youngest N, yelled at me last week. I was out on the patio enjoying a Whack and Wild when she called for me. I walked in and she yelled, “Daddy, when are you going to stop smoking?!?” It hit me. She was really pissed off.

It’ll be 7 days this Saturday since I had a Whack and Wild. I am doing great. I feel awesome and I can smell bear shit a mile away. I’ll be getting back in the gym as well. Also, in the last 7 days, I have saved almost $30. That’s about $120 a month I was spending to kill myself with the Whack and Wild’s.

I’d rather take that cash to spend on my mid-life crisis.

Vroom. Vroom.

…double hairstyling duty. I often struggle with this because, “Daddy! What are you doing?!? My hair looks crazy like that! You’re not doing it right!” Drama.

...there will ALWAYS be fashion issues. Simply getting up in the morning and getting dressed is never going to happen. Picking out clothes and shoes will always been an event. An epic one.

…everything is a competition. I am sure this happens with boys too, but with far less drama and tears.

…that at this age, everything has to be pink or purple. I swear it looks like some Oompa Loompas threw up in their closets. Pink and purple stuff everywhere.

…that one day they will be dating. I’m not sure how I will handle this. Extensive background checks and the purchase of a sniper rifle might remedy this. Look out boys. I still have my jungle and desert cami’s from my military days. And they still fit…well.

…that one day they may eventually get married. This means I will have to flip the bill for two weddings. Retirement? What the hell is that?

… double the amount of love and kisses I get from them.

Having two daughters is not so bad after all.

Sometimes it takes a real kick in the ass to put things about life into perspective. Over the past year, life was seriously kicking my ass, but some how I managed to keep going and not give up. Those experiences have left me deeply humbled. Here are a few things that I have learned and most of them I will continue to live by.

1. Money CAN contribute to happiness. And what I mean by happiness is being able to afford a decent roof over my kids’ heads, having good food on the table and having a safe place for them to play, feel comfortable and be happy. Money is needed for these things, therefore money is a factor in the equation of happiness.

2. Unless I win a multi-million dollar lottery, I will never be financially wealthy. But come to think of it, I am wealthy. I have a wealth of family and friends that I can turn to for emotional support. And most importantly, I have two beautiful little girls that provide me with a wealth of laughter, joy and diva drama. Therefore, I AM wealthy.

3. I DON’T need a BMW, a 4,000 sq. foot house, and a vacation home in Lake Tahoe. My Ford truck and small house will suffice.

4. You CAN live on the bare minimum. Minimal usage of electricity, gas and other consumables. I’ve made $5 stretch an entire week. It was tough, but I did it.

5.  Work is…. work. I have finally realized that I am one of few people that actually enjoy what they do for a living. Granted, I’ll never get rich from being a graphic designer, but how cool is it to get paid to make things pretty?

Like I said, life changing events can make a person “wake up and smell the coffee” as they say. The events in my life have made me, and will continue to make me, better, stronger, and faster.

Things are in perspective now. I am focused. *fists on waist as cape blows in the wind*

Stay tuned…

I just wanted to give a special thanks to all of my friends that have supported me, laughed at me and with me for the last few rough months. You guys are awesome and I am grateful for being in the company of such cool people.

My special thanks goes to (in no particular order):

@TheRealBecks

@dearmisterman

@WeaselMomma

@MiniMaura

@tyronem

@mommyisdating

@daNanner

@mochadad

@MyBottlesUp

@Kwanster

@johncaveosborne

@missu

@BabitosDad

@LilAsha

@KngtRdr

@DebJorge

@ezmomm

@lilmommasmom

@ChristieSays

@superduperjes

@ericdbolton

@LadyWanderlust

@1tru_kitty

@rreimund

@mjjaaska

@themommytsunami

@howefitz

@IlinaP

@pjmullen

@OutNumberedisMe

@primadanna

@JNez

@JonathanBrown

@TwIceGirl28

@iajephoto

Thanks again everyone for being super friends.

An increasing amount of people have been inquiring about my marital status, so I have decided to just make a post on my blog to bring light of the current situation. Many people have probably figured it out by now, but I am no longer married. Well, technically still married but the final divorce proceedings are on hold due to my current financial woes. For those who know me, I have been working tirelessly to improve the flow of income. Was I trying to hide it? Nope. What’s over is over. I see no need to dwell on it everyday.

I don’t feel the need to go into any juicy details because at this point, it really doesn’t matter. What matters is picking up the pieces and moving forward to survive, become a better person and first and foremost, be the best father that I can be. *dusts off cape* My soon to be ex wife and I had a good 7 year run, but after many struggles, we both came to the conclusion that we just didn’t need to be married anymore.

Am I angry and hurt? Not anymore. It took some time, but I am over the bitterness and anger.  It makes no sense and it’s not productive. Also, how can I be angry at the woman that gave birth to our beautiful daughters?  I’ll be forever grateful to her for that. Am I disappointed? Yes, I think we both are in some way. Am I glad to be single again? Hell, no. I struggle with the single parent thing at times, but it’s OK since my ex and I share custody of the girls. We still communicate almost daily and keep each other in the loop when it comes to the kids and their well being. They are the priority. Having great family and friends has also helped along the way. Humor is also a great coping tool for me. Will I ever marry again? Probably not. I don’t like dating. That whole “getting to know you” thing sucks. I pretty much let people know who I am up front. Hence, a DadUnmasked.

The comments option is on but I’m not looking for pity, sympathy nor advice. The divorce has been in the works for almost a year now, so I’ve pretty much heard it all.

This is my life now and as my friend @JonathenBrown so frankly stated, “It’s not how I designed it, but that’s how it worked out.”

Stay tuned…