dad unmasked

The other night my girls, S and N, asked me a question about King Kong and as N calls him, Hulk Smash. They had recently watched the animated versions of both movies and the following conversation has been on my mind for quite some time.

N: “Daddy, could Hulk Smash beat King Kong?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

N: “But King Kong beat up those dinosaurs! Rawr! Rawr!” (beats chest like Kong)

S: “And he saved that lady and smashed those boats!”

Me: “Can King Kong leap over canyons and smash tanks?”

S: “Um, no.”

Me: “There you go, Hulk Smash would win!”

That was the daddy explanation. Here’s a more in depth one. And no, I didn’t share this with my kids.

First, let me point out a few similarities between the two big guys.

1. They’re both loners. Kong sits around on Skull Island all alone waiting for the locals to throw him a few bananas or an occasional “virgin.” The Hulk, aka Bruce Banner, is a fugitive on the run searching for a cure for his condition. Every once in a while, he’ll hook up with a little hottie named Betty which further complicates everything. It also doesn’t help the situation that her dad is the biggest insecure dick ever. Anyway, the Hulk is a loner.
2. They are both complete softies when it comes to the opposite sex and they get EXTREMELY pissed off when someone f**ks with their women. These guys bleed testosterone.
3. They are both bound to leave a trail of destruction wherever they go. Someone or something will piss them off and s**t WILL be broken.

Now here is why Kong would lose the battle. First of all, the Hulk’s strength is far superior than that of Kong’s. Sure the ape ripped the tongue out a T-Rex and swatted down a couple of planes, but the Hulk’s strength is unlimited. The angrier he gets, the stronger he gets. Secondly, the Hulk has accelerated healing. Stab him in the gut and he’ll heal immediately. The dude can’t die. Kong, on the other hand, took a few bullets, fell from a building and bought the farm. And lastly, the ape isn’t very bright. Come on. He confused a building with a mountain. Need I say more?

This upcoming Labor Day, we will be taking a 741.46 mile road trip to a big family reunion. I will be locked in a vehicle for 12-13 hours with 4 of my favorite ladies; my mom, my sister and my 2 girls, S&N. (No offense Ma, I plan on driving most of the way because I’d like to get there sometime this century. Love you!)

This will be the longest road trip for the S&N. 5 hours to see the grandparents has been the longest thus far. And those 5 hours were a true test of my patience, endurance and will power. Most of those trips consisted of:

S: “When are we going to get there?”

Me: “We just got on the road. Now take a nap.”

N: “I’m bored!”

Me: “Let’s sing a song.”

S: “Singing’s boring!”

Me: “Then take a nap.”

N: “I’m thirsty!”

Me: “Here take 2 sips of water. We just stopped and I’m not stopping until we get there. Now take a nap.”

N: ”I need to go potty.”

Me: “Again?” Grrrr….

By the time we get to the grandparents house, I’m ready to light my head on fire and jump in front of a golf cart. But for this Labor Day trip, I’m hoping to have just enough things distractions packed to keep S&N busy and myself sane. So here’s the list.

1. Rented Minivan – I figured traveling with 4 ladies, we’d need a bigger boat.
2. Portable DVD player - DVD’s will consist of Disney® and Marvel® movies. Clifford the Big Red Dog® and ICarly® will not be in the mix. Emily Elizabeth makes my ears bleed and ICarly makes me want to IStab myself.
3. Kidz Bop CD’s – Because there’s nothing better than listening to sucky pop songs sung by screeching adolescents.
4. Snacks. Tons of snacks. More chewing=less griping.
5. Bottled water -This will be rationed. I refuse to make 17 potty breaks per state.
6. Lysol Spray and Wipes – Rest area restrooms. Enough said.
7. Handheld gaming devices – These should provide about 30 miles of entertainment.
8. Coloring Books and crayons – Again 30 miles of entertainment. I might have to rethink this one.
9. First Aid Kit – Just in case someone smuggles an ICarly DVD aboard. See #2.
10. Advil – see #3.
11. Black light for the hotel room. Never mind, I will need to sleep. What I don’t know won’t hurt me.
12. IPhone with GPS locater app. Just in case I pull over and bail, my family will be able to track me down and have me admitted.
13. Adult beverages in a cooler. For the END of our trip and when we reach the hotel. I’m sure my nerves will be shot to hell by then and I’ll need a cold one. Or three.

Have I missed anything?